bored on a sunday.....

Yesterday was a rough day by the way. Again, I know I have mentioned that previous to AF i get way emotional, well work just set this off yesterday morning. K and I were on our way to help my niece practice for softball tryouts. Her dad (my older brother) was getting high blood pressure from trying to help her. When we were about to leave I got a phone call from my staff calling off for the day. I was furious. This was absolutely ridiculous and horrible timing. I am on call 24/7 and I am scheduled off on the weekends from one of my jobs. I go in at 9pm on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday for my other job. So that means Saturdays are my only day to be off the whole day. Not to mention it is the only day K and I get all day together as well. So I was furious. I had to scramble for coverage and pull a lot of strings and didnt even get it all worked out until basically 3 pm. Anyway, I was way emotional yesterday until I spend time with my family. K and I have discussed moving to a place where it is legal for her to adopt my baby and I hers when we get to that point. I just dont know if I can leave my family. They were the reason my bad day turned right side up yesterday. My annoying older brother, who is not all the way ok with K and I, was eager to see his daughter improve her softball skills 100 percent with the help of two lesbians lol. This was great to see. Baby steps toward getting him ok with K and I. Following this event we went to watch a movie with my twin brother his gf and their son along with my dad. We watched a dumb movie called the box. I thought it was awful. Anyway, I had a blast playing with my nephew! He just turned 3 and he is hilarious. My twin bros gf is pregnant with their daughter and due in a couple weeks, but she will go early we are sure.

So my previous post I was deciding on who we were going to see soon. Either blue october or tegan and sara. We are going to Chicago on the 26th and we are seeing tegan and sara instead or rent as well. I am excited because K and I have never been to a concert together and I have never been to a lesbian singing group. Neither has she. We have both been to country concerts and I have been to 311 with the ex. I also forgot to mention we will be going to a lot of pride parades and things in the summer as well. This should be an amazing year. Hopefully we will start the process of baby number 1 as well. I am going to start dieting tomorrow so that I can visit my obgyn and she will clear me for pregnancy and fill out my physical for our consultation in May. K will be graduated and we can start whenever we want. I am going to start keeping an temp calendar whenever my next AF is, which will be this week sometime according to my emotions. This way we can pinpoint ov and not waste money repeatedly.

Well K will be home any minute and we are going to have one final bad meal and ice cream before we start dieting tomorrow. We are very active people in the summer so it is hard to get motivated when it is 30 degrees outside. We would be in good shape had I not hurt myself while we were working out a month ago. Our gym is getting raquetball this week and we are going to start playing that 4 days a week. That should be enough exercise we decided until our pool opens up and we start softball ourselves.... Enough babbling.

major events monthly

Every month my partner and I have a special event going on. For example I can list something in the next few months at least that we are going to do special. Like March we are going to Chicago for the weekend. I cant decided on the 12th or 26th though. We have already seen Rent but it is playing there on the 12th and 26th, and Tegan and Sara will be playing there on the 26th. It may be best to just pick the 26th and decide right before we go. I am not sure yet. April is K's bday. I am going to suprise her with either camping or another concert or play. Actually I have all kinds of ideas for this but am not sure exactly what I am going to do and what day I am going to do it. My brothers bday is the day before, so this all depends on that too. Plus work and personally things I have going on in April. It iwll be a crazy month. May is K's graduation! So excited. The night of, we will have her graduation party and two days later we will be on a plan to California! This is going to be amazing. Now if I could only get it together to start dieting..... June we are going camping at an all lesbian campground. July is my bday month and my twin brothers. So I will leave that up to K. August is Mich fest :) and then Sept is white water rafting. Now through these months I will also get a new niece and a new nephew! What a summer to come! Then come the holidays again!

Awww the wonderful AF

I have come to realize that I become extremely emotional one week before AF. I am wondering if this will be the same once I become pg. Will I become emotional before I get my bfp or will I skip that part and not even notice. Who knows. Anyway I cant wait to find the answer out lol. Recently nothing much has been going on. K and I are going tubing this Friday with some other lesbian friends. The past attempt didnt happen because it was so crowded. However we did go to The Vagina Monologues instead. That was great. I am learning so much from hanging out with these women. When I was with a man, *I was married for 2 years*, I had no idea women were so empowering. I am excited because they even introduced me to a large gay community here where I live. We are even going camping this summer to a lesbian camp ground and to womens fest. I am really excited, and who knew there were so many lesbian musicians. I have found a new passion in music I never had before.

Have I mentioned what I do for a living? I am a social worker for the Developmentally Disabled. I work two full time jobs and it gets very stressful at times. Anyway, I started a softball team a while ago. My ex played on the team and it was co-ed. This year I am trying to put together a team because I am the coach and I play 3rd base as well. It turns out that it is relatively hard without knowing more guys. My ex wants to play with us. He is completely ok with my being gay and he has moved on himself and has a gf as well. She will be watching the games and K will be playing with us as she did last year. She however, is not ok with this. Now let me make it clear, I only have a couple of passions and sball is one of them. I would be sad without this. I hope she will play.

Supportive?

So my family often hurts me by going back and forth with their feelings about me being gay. I have not been gay all my life and in fact I just recently feel in love with a woman not even a year ago. I know that it has been hard for them, but it is also hard on me. I didnt know that I was gay until I met her. It has been life altering for me as well. I have to admit though that for the most part they have been supportive. My dad and twin brother say they love me no matter what and I am who I am no matter what so it does not matter either way to them as long as I am happy. I think that is how everyone should be. My mom is very religious so she doesnt agree with everything, but she loves my girlfriend and has accepted it for the most part. My older brother though has been the hardest to get through to. His main concern is his kids. He thinks that they should not be subjected to this so young. Well I have news for him, they will find out some day. And probably sooner than he thinks. So shouldnt it come from him. Or at least family. He likes my girlfriend. He just is afraid my niece will ask questions.

Here is the thing. I have said this over and over to my girlfriend. I just dont understand what is the big deal. To me it is not wrong, to me it is normal and natural, to me it is wonderful and beautiful. I am in love and the happiest I have ever been, and yet the more my brother hurts me, the more I wonder. It makes me second guess myself and feel stupid. It somewhat shuts me down and makes me numb or turn my emotions off. Then on some days I feel like running away from my family and never looking back. Even though I know it is only one person in my family, I still feel like saying "ha, see what you did now." I know that isnt right or fair and that would make me somewhat of a chicken, but it is hard. I know it could be so much worse. Anyway, that is me complaining for now. I am going to look up a charting program on my ipod so that I dont have to write it daily. We are going to start charting so that I have something to show the dr. in the clinic in May :).

Lesbian living

I have created this blog so that my partner and I have other people like us to read about and share the same concerns. I have been reading other peoples blogs and started to think about creating my own. I will probably be the one doing most of the blogging but my partner and I will share this as a mutual place to come and share. I have been enjoying reading about other lesbian couples going through the journey of ttc and getting married and everything else that is important to us. My partner and I have been talking a lot about babies and we are heading down that path. I have always wanted to be a mother. I have 3 nephews and 2 nieces. They mean the world to me. We have started filling out the paperwork for our consultation at the sperm bank of our choice which is in California. We are going there in May. We plan on doing everything except that final step before getting pregnant. We don't know when the right time for that will be, and we will have everything ready for when we figure that out. Hopefully some of you will follow us through this journey, and I will look back at this first blog with my baby in hand one day.